I am looking at numerous “likes” and comments on facebook under my changed relationship status and a few pictures from my recent wedding. At first, I found it completely normal to be acknowledged for my beauty and found that the love I received is appropriate given the amount of it I send out every day.
As people showed up out of nowhere to give their congratulations, I became more and more humbled by their friendship, love and honesty. I began to feel that more love is coming my way that I deserve or am even able to give. And I began to feel a slight discomfort. Deep inside, I love the attention, but in reality, I find it a bit hard to be with.
I noticed, if the comment was directed to my husband and I, where people wished us lot’s of happiness and long lived love filled life, I would automatically feel like I have to give them something in return. Strange how hard it actually is to receive, be and stay open to the beauty that life gives us every day.
And, as I allowed my discomfort of living with all the compliments to sync in, I got profoundly moved by something else: the odds that I would be so happy and so in love given my life path and what was predictable.
You see, my 50 something year old, mobile and relatively healthy and solidly paid father did not come to my wedding. Namely, he said the invitation didn’t arrive on time, but whichever way you turn it, I emailed him all the info way in advance. So he had plenty of time to get organized if he was even remotely committed to showing up for me here in Montreal.
Now, granted, historically, my dad has never shown up, so this was not news to me or anyone who knew me pretty well. None the less, it stung. Something within me broke yet again, but this time it was almost completely painless. And it didn’t hurt, not because of the absence of pain, but because of the numbness I developed over time.
This is not a sad saga about my father, it’s rather a celebration of life and what is possible. Given that there was an absence of the “father” of my life, I was probably doomed to be single or in a abusive relationship. Yet, I managed to meet an amazing man, my husband, and develop a kind of partnership that brings us both to tears as we are in awe that we could really have it.
You may wonder how I did it? I wondered too. Perhaps it is the belief in love that created a space for me to love unconditionally and to believe in the powers available inside of partnerships that are not available to us individually. Perhaps, being able to stay still, alone and single for most of my life allowed me to cleanse and empty so that the space can be open for someone to come in and be there for me in a way I only could dream about. Perhaps, really, anything is possible and you can turn your luck anytime you wish just by completely and consistently believing in it.