I even started writing this blog to share how I think on the subject of a broken heart. I really feel I have mastered the experience and was able to pull myself out of it all the way, as well as many other women I have been in touch with who were willing to share with me their heartbreaks.
But today I woke up to find out that a video I was recording material for was finally out, and I didn’t make a final cut. I was angry, disappointed, and really hated the experience. I hated that I had a feeling this was going to be the case, that my husband will probably make a cut inside of the video he was in, and I just had the hardest time dealing with my experience of failure. Hours later I was on the phone with my mom as she was eager to watch me on screen. Namely, I flew to New York from Montreal only to do this, my ticket was over $1000 and I had a hotel for days to do this…My make up was done perfectly well, they acknowledged my outfit and the professionalism with which I approached the production. I remember walking into the studio, sitting on the chair and hearing a camera guy say: “darn, you are stunning”….so I thought for sure, I must be in it. I was even called back to record extra lines…so here I am this morning, watching the video of 30 minutes and hoping I see myself in it, but completely doubting my luck.
And after having been heard, ashamed and crying my eyes out this morning, I really get, it’s not about the video. It’s about me. I don’t like who I am at times and I have the hardest time just allowing myself to be in the space of inquiry and not knowing. I feel like a failure and have million and one reason to just feel bad for myself. But deep inside, I just gave up, my heart was broken and I wasn’t willing to give it fully again, not inside of my career. And over time, I became smaller and smaller, being less and less willing to play full out, be exposed, take a risk and take leaps of faith. I was playing it safe and while doing it, I was complaining about everyone else, about how the world works and about all the people who are not as good as I thought I could be, only if I actually did it.
So, cheers to the hypocrite in me. I am going to take the rest of the day making sure I am gentle with myself. I am going to forgive me… I am going to do what I would do if this was a relationship and I will give it all. The failure only hurts when it’s inside of a very small game.