There was a saying I once heard for people who come to America from Europe, “Once you cross the ocean, you are always on a wrong side.” I have been living in New York for the past 17 years and now that I came to Canada, I am longing for it. Sometimes it feels like I can live anywhere and mostly it’s because I love my husband and I feel that we can make anything a home…but still… I have this tendency to want to be at too many places and at the end, I don’t end up being anywhere at all.
Last night, however, browsing through facebook, I saw that Montenegrin “idol” was on TV and I ended up watching just to see who the next talent is in my home country. I was so amazed by young people’s voices and truly moved. They mostly sang in English and I was really proud to how they did it, but then they sang a few old time songs in my native tongue. And in an instant, I was transported. The world disappeared and I was longing.
When I think of it, I am not even clear what it is that I wanted…all I know is that music is like drug that can take me million different places in an instant. And the experience of my love for it, the fulfillment and joy of listening a good voice interpret a really good song, just gave this experience of utter fulfillment. And, this time around, I captured it and made a mental note that that’s what I want my life to be about. I want something to give me that kind of a satisfaction around my career and work. I never truly had that before.
I can sit here and mourn for lost times, pull out million of reasons why I didn’t focus on what I wanted, but it won’t make a difference. And the feeling of having to start from scratch is not always empowering at all, yet, I know I have to build from ground up. Last night, for a second I took a note to remember that feeling of inner joy so that I can look for it in everything I do.
It’s tough. It’s like knowing that your previous relationship will never work out and knowing you have to meet more people and look for everything you want in a partner without compromise. That’s what I need to do around work. One foot in front of another, adding flavors of what I enjoy to the final product of whatever it is that when I do, I will be completely proud. As George Bernard Shaw would say, I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the purpose recognized by myself as a mighty one….
In looking for that quote, I found another quote by Shaw that I think is the quote I was meant to find:
“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
― George Bernard Shaw