Patching the holes in my heart…

It’s been almost a year since I took a decision to quit being a Self Expression and Leadership Program Leader for Landmark.  I was afraid, at the time, that I would regret it.  In fact, I remember I walked away from the Center Manager who told me I was making a mistake with this: “I know this might be the biggest mistake I have made in my life, but I have to make it.”  And the freedom to make a mistake, despite everything else, was liberating.

Within months of quitting, my dreams came true.  I was in a relationship of my dreams, I was finally going for my green card interview after years and years of waiting and I was creating path to financial freedom which really mattered to me.  But I was no longer getting up on the stage and saying I was making a difference.  I became a difference in the world in which I didn’t know how that was being done anymore.

It’s been a year since I participated in anything around Landmark.  I appreciated every tool I got inside of the education, but I was far from wanting to go back and give service to the company that, in my view, became business.  But I was willing to have a conversation that was called an “offering” from Landmark for the “contribution that I make in life.”  Scheduling and rescheduling it since February, finally I had it this morning.  Five minutes later, I stated my stand:  I am not interested in assisting for Landmark in any capacity.  I appreciate the education, but I find my financial freedom too important to compromise and I will be open to only what serves my mission and my goals.

I could hear how I can sound cold to other people, but the person on another side of the line completely heard me and where I was coming from.  Once I said it all, I was able to have a conversation with her and look at different groups of people that I am a part of in life and how I impact them and in turn, how they impact the world.

I had many insights that I am not going to share now.  I will probably forget most of what was said… But for a moment today, I was completely in sync with my soul.  I was speaking from my heart.  There was no striving, there was no trying to get away with something and step over no thing.  I was me.  I was pure, clear, spirit only…

I was moved.  I was moved because I was able to create myself for another person in the conversation.  She was available to listen and inside of no resistance, I was able to say who I am and become that by the end of the phone call.  Something shifted.  Something touched me in a way in which I was not being touched for the past month, mostly dealing with an open wound of my quitting and never truly being understood as to why I did it.

Today, why I did it and that I am understood doesn’t matter anymore.  I was able to see my own spirit, to offer myself forgiveness, compassion and kindness… And only now when I was able to see it in me, I can begin to offer it to others.

Thank you …

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