I just had a heated conversation with my husband around business… Namely, we are looking at doing something new and I am the source of the information and his excitement about it makes me feel uncomfortable as I now anticipate that he will drop the ball in the other areas where we develop business and I will suffer (be left behind). Woah…as I am writing this, I realize that all of my hysteria comes from this number one fear in my life: I will be left behind.
Amazing how much we are run by childhood conversations and how much that can impact how we relate to other people and operate in business. Today again, but for many times before, my husband assured me that his promise to me is a worth our lifetimes, that everything he does is inside of the context of our life together and success in every single way that matters to us. Yet, as completely possessed by another force, I forget that and act like he is my enemy not the life time partner I chose who is and will always be on my side.
But all these thinking brings me to another dilemma…when is it really that it is ok to let out concerns out, speak our mind and fight for what we believe in? and when is it that we can get ahead of time that what we are bring up just adds to men’s already present confusion with the female minds… I am looking for balance…How do I stay true to myself but mindful that I don’t exhaust every bit of space in my man with drama? How do I take steps to teach him to best support me without selling out and giving in too soon….
I am not sure, but I am out to learn and see what there is I can do to prevent an enormous eruption of emotions that can be way more useful if channeled in a direction of our mutual success and work done… And, at the end of the day…I can see my darkness and have an intention of making friends with it… Ultimately, it is not my husband, but also me who has to be able to live with how I can be at times, not make it wrong, not judge it, just offer it compassion and love….
I have no answer yet… and I am present to my commitment and love…. Huge explosion and fight will do that to a woman….At the end…when all quiets down, there really isn’t anything to do or anywhere to get to….and in that space, I finally experience being … being a woman.