Lingering in the “unknown”

“Being at ease with not knowing is crucial for answers to come to you.” Eckhart Tolle

One of my dearest friends Jodi sent me this quote the other day and I really heard it newly this time. I am about to find a short term rental for me and my family until we move back to New York and I have been trying to use my “intuition” and “manifesting skills” to guide me in this process. The problem is, big changes in life are stressful, even when exciting, and it is hard to keep the channels clean, peaceful and powerful when there is a lot going on. I would close my eyes at night and force myself to imagine where I really wanted to live as I was not sure I really knew the answer to that. And since the answers were not clear, I’d get frustrated by the lack of clarity.

The truth is, most places would probably work just fine. HAHAHAHA – my husband would say to that. And this is why: I think of myself as low maintenance, but I am not. I want our new place to have a pool, preferably heated, I don’t want the apartment to be carpeted, I prefer the first floor (which is often more expansive than the second or third), but I like high ceilings (which are typical of the third floor), I like all new appliances, no mirrors in bedrooms and all within the price range I want to pay (not necessarily the market price). I have no idea which location would be good, as I don’t know Florida that well, I just know what I wanted to be close to and that I can easily walk around in the area as I don’t like driving.

We need a place in the next 2 weeks because I am traveling to New York in 2 weeks and would go crazy if we didn’t have it locked in by then. What’s coming up is fear that we won’t find what we want so that we will have to stay longer (no bueno), or have to pay the higher price to settle for whatever is available. And, on top of everything, we need a short term lease and not every complex is willing to lease short term and when they do, they charge extra, so the prices online are not the actual prices we would get. Are you beginning to get the swirl I am in? A touch of anxiety mixed with excitement of the new place and moving towards the goal of eventually settling back in New York. All of that with a teething toddler that still breastfeeds and doesn’t sleep through the night. Now, try to fall asleep by 11pm!!!

So last night as I am about to turn the light off after spending hours on and etc, but my brain is still wired and working on resolving the puzzle of “Where am I going to live in 3 weeks?” And then I remember this beautiful quote my friend sent me and I allow myself to linger in the unknown. And literally the moment I took a breath and let go of “knowing,” my mind relaxed and I felt freedom. I shared with my husband right away. I told him: “I am going to embrace not knowing where we will live and trusting that the Universe/God will take care of us.” And I didn’t mean that I would not make calls or go visit properties, I just meant that I would stop forcing the outcome.

And as if by magic, I drifted into sleep. Withing the first 2-3 hours of waking up, I had a full inbox of messages and voicemails to answer. I had 2 business calls and made calls from the list I gathered the night before and by noon I had options: a place 8 minute walking distance from our dearest friends, a brand new complex just built, another brand new complex near my dentist in the area I didn’t consider because it was an older community, and couple of other places, all within a price range, all within 10-15 min distance from places I need to be at, and all available. So tomorrow, on my birthday, I will be hoping in the car with my family to visit the other 4 places breathing deeply and allowing myself to live in the unknown for just a tad longer. It takes practice and it takes numerous reminders, but this time doesn’t have to be stressful. It can just as well be an opportunity 🙂

Standing up for myself

I was getting a free hair cut in Miami beach. The lady that lives close to us needed models to practice her craft. When she started to cut my hair I noticed that her technique seemed good but her demeanor was a bit timid and shy. About 40+ minutes into it, I began to feel a bit uncomfortable. I was getting hot, needed water, and began to worry that this was not going to end well. At this point, she was still cutting 1/2 inch lengths from the back and I was wondering if she’d ever get to the front. I was messaging my husband crying for help. I kept thinking: “I am not paying for it, I should be grateful for whatever I get.” However, deep inside I was not at ease.

Finally, I tried bringing up my concerns as gently as I could (this is so unlike me as I am often unapologetic when I speak). At this point, she was getting that I was not happy and she was concerned. I was concerned for her thinking I would only get her in trouble if I spoke up. We went in circles. And then I stopped to ask where she was going with this. Noticing her facial expression I said: Please don’t worry! But she was still worried so I went on to acknowledge that she did a great job cutting my hair, that it just wasn’t how I liked it. I held her hand promising to look at where we were with this and communicate clearly what she should do next to fix it to my liking. That calmed her down.

When she got calm, the owner appeared and complimented my hairline and she then said to him: “what do you think I should do here”…and he took her scissors and began to teach her and run through my hair with confidence, all along acknowledging that I have great hair, that my eyes are great so he can open the front more, that my head is perfect so she can remove all the extra hair she was keeping there, and so on.

At first, I giggled almost uncomfortably as I get shy when people compliment me like that. But then I realized how good it felt to be complimented and that I actually agreed with him, but I had this shame about feeling good about myself. The way I learned was, it was better to be modest. So I forced the modesty upon me, and in addition, learned to suck it up until I get so mad that when I actually speak it’s not very pretty. I realized, how freeing would life be if I just owned my real thoughts, all the time, if I actually stood up for myself and for what I deserved and not try to shut myself down only to please others… If I came there confident that it was easy to cut my hair because she didn’t have to compensate for my shortcomings, maybe I wouldn’t have to sit through 2 hour haircut… And maybe, if I really stood for myself I would not go for a free cut but would pay for it and demand my money’s worth.

marija new cut

What a lesson I got from a simple event. There are many imperfections I have in my life, I definitely don’t need to downplay the things that work 🙂
Wishing you all to own up to what works about you and stand up for yourself!!! demand the best service and give the best of yourself!!!!