I only vaguely sensed that being a mom must be magical and expansive but I never knew how much it would impact my life, how deeply I would feel my love, how strongly I could stand, how much I could endure and how unwilling I would be to hide and pretend I am anything other than a human being trying to do her best. I learned to surrender, to take it easy, to put myself first, as in put oxygen mask on my mouth before I offer it to others. I slowed down and became more effective. I added a level of compassion I didn’t have. I started thinking for more people not just myself, consequently, I have expanded the way I see things and the ways in which I manage my life.
I often complain that people don’t share the truth about motherhood. I don’t think we are fully honest about the effort that this role requires (and I don’t mean complain, but be real about it) as well as not fully bragging on the world that this role also makes possible, the love that is there, the joy we could feel and how small things in life often become the essence of our days.
It took me a while to approve of different ways of parenting but I definitely appreciate that people have their view and do their best. The thing is, when you know what it takes, you don’t judge as easily or as harshly. Again, I make comments and sometimes have a passing thought but I don’t hang on to it or relate to like: “this is the truth”. I also lightly roll my eyes at people who give me advice but really have no clue about the world I am in. I do appreciate the effort though, I’ve been there myself.
At the same time, I have been screwing up way more often, feeling cornered against things in life that are seemingly unresolvable, needed on too many sides, torn in too many places, longing for some time to myself to just hear myself think without trying to please everyone around me who has a loud expectation.
All this said, the journey of mothering my first born and then almost 3 years laters his brother has been the biggest role I played. I used to cringe when people said that in the past because I always made it mean they had nothing else important to do (as if raising future generations of humans isn’t important at all). I try to beat that value with other things I do but the kiddos are still small and they still need me in a way that I don’t want to say NO to. At the end, it is always a choice not to leave them for long periods of time, not to have them raised by babysitters and friends but putting them to bed at night on my own or having my husband do it instead.
My sons are an absolute joy most of the time. They remind me how carefree childhood is for those of us who had our basic needs met and then some. They wake up my creative side, they soften me to love, they let me be more accepting and kinder with myself and others while holding healthy boundaries. I am moved and beyond grateful I was given the opportunity to be a mother in this life time. They will also never know all that it takes to be their mom and what these past 5 years were like and they don’t have to know until they live their life and learned their lessons. My efforts are not theirs to carry because if I can do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing.
Happy 5ht birthday to my beautiful Adrian and anniversary of birth to me!!!