The Price of Truth

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I wrote the title right up front so that there is no confusion about where I am going even though I will explain how I got there just for the record and instead of posting angry rants elsewhere.  This is my blog, I pay rent on this space, I get to say!

After a painful dental surgery yesterday, I cleared my schedule and turned on to watch Dr Ford’s testimony just in time.  I wanted to be with her as she speaks up and tells her truth.  Having been a coach in some capacity of the past decade and a half, I have witnessed many women sometimes even unwillingly, share their story of sexual assault, harassment and rape.  I worked with some of these women diligently to take their power back and I know for sure that many of them are very powerful, compassionate, smart women today.  I always knew, if something as radical as this happened to me, it would take something to get through it.  I know it.  I downplayed my sexuality most of my life for a reason.  I even acted dumb in some situation or was overly masculine just to survive.  I wore less revealing clothes to hide my body.  I escaped assault many times and I know I am lucky I did.  I take that back – I am not sure I escaped it because even to this day, when I tell my older son who is 5 to stop playing with my hair or something like that, when he continues, I get so angry I have to leave the room to compose myself.  I am teaching him with no wiggle room that: NO means NO, and I cringe when people say: boys will be boys.

When Dr Ford swore in yesterday, I felt her in my bones.  I would not write this here if I didn’t spend so much of the past 2+ years studying the feminine which had me understand why I felt this way.  While this may sound so cliche to those who are less aware of it, what a woman feels does not begin or end with her.  I find this true of any humans, so men included, but among women only, I have found, this travels faster.  When we are connected to our source energy, another woman’s pain feels like our pain.  I have, through some exercises, healing sessions and classes, felt my grandmother’s pain of losing her child. I remember like it was yesterday that I stood on the foot print that represented my grandmother (without knowing who I was representing) and I weeped like it was the end of world.  My womb was tightening up, my whole body was in pain and I screamed louder than ever before.  I started bleeding my period right in that moment, coincidently, and realized I wasn’t pregnant, which I thought I could be.  So something told me it had to be a child.  I felt my grandma’s pain loud and clear, I felt her loss of a child.

I know this is too much for some to hear and I have had a fair share of having people roll their eyes at me when I talk, but I’m 40, a woman and a wife, an entrepreneur and a mom, I have spent past 20+ years of my life in an intense life training and I have successfully coached people even much older than me through the toughest things in their life.  I am no longer willing to be treated like I am a kid who doesn’t know what she is talking about, because it is uncomfortable.

To return to my point, I felt Dr Ford’s pain instantly.  That is the thing about authenticity and truth, it resonates.  I listened to her speak and I heard what she said.  While I can never understand what it must be life for her, I can get that this wasn’t easy, that she has stood for something so much bigger than just her and I could have enormous appreciation for that.  If you noticed, everyone believed her, some just didn’t want to believe it was Judge Kavanaugh who did it.

His, Judge Kavanaugh’s, testimony was in my view a disaster.  I want to say I can’t imagine what it is like to be falsely accused (if he is falsely accused which I doubt at this point), I do know that this was a true for so many men and women before him who endured false accusations solely based on the color of their skin.  So while I do know this is inconvenient for him, I fully stand that if he is really innocent, there are ways to clear his name, like taking polygraph test, conduct FBI investigation and alike.  What bothered me the most about him is that he never answered straight, he went into long story about everything instead of directly answering questions, he got way to emotional and too quickly (his wife was holding up very well I found as I saw her at the left corner of my screen), so I simply don’t believe him. Here is what I do think is possible:  he may have not been fully conscious because he was drunk (“I like beer, I do like beer, …I like beer a lot”) but he surely knows that this was possible and if that is case, he is not telling the truth, which means, he is lying under Oath.

This is a tough time for everyone, women everywhere are finding their voice and speaking up, they are feeling represented.  White men everywhere are scared to be caught in lies they’ve gotten away with for a long, long time.  Both Dr Ford’s family and Kavanaugh’s families are suffering, and they should not.  Social media is on fire and people don’t hold back their anger.  We do have a right to a free speech but lashing out when your amygdala is fired up is not healthy for everyone.  As humanity, we are all hurting.  We are in this mess together, we have to come out of it together.

I think there should be a fair investigation, that nomination of Judge Kavanaugh should be withdrawn because we saw he couldn’t be a fair judge.  I know this was hard, but look at what they put Hillary Clinton through and she is still standing.  I appreciate and welcome emotions, but I also know we can’t make good judgement calls when we are swimming in them.  For this reason, I say #kavaNO, this is #HERstory, and Dr Ford, #Ibelieveyou….and to all the women who’ve ever been hurt in this way: #IBELIEVEYOU

Last Conversation with My Dad

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Last year in the last week of may was the last time I heard my father’s voice. I was in Paris with girlfriends and then had ny husband join me for a couple of days to celebrate our anniversary. It was the first time we left kids for that long to do this.  Granted, they were with their grandma.

My dad was in Paris to pick up his youngest son and bring him home to Zagreb. He planned to watch French Open so the only way he thought we could see each other was for me to come to the gates and message him from there to come meet me.  None the less, he was in Paris an entire week.

It took everything for me to say no to his proposal to meet him by the gates and not because I didn’t want to make an effort to see him but because for as long as I could remember, I was the only one making an effort. I thought this changed when he broke the streak of broken promises 2 years before this by coming for a weekend to meet my older son and spend some time with me.  I appreciated that very much, but the reality is, this was a rare moment and one of  few I can count in the past 30 years.

I decided to do what works not what I wanted.  French Open was in a completely different part of the town and had I gone there, I would’ve missed a chance to see Paris and I felt that I worked really hard to earn that trip. I was so mad because I really wanted to see him and introduce him to my husband.  And yet, I didn’t feel like it was ok to invest so much money, time and effort in celebrating my anniversary to set it all aside and adjust my schedule to my dad’s. I was mad that he didn’t want to find another way. He was mad that I didn’t accept his proposal and that I was mad and that was it. 

He never spoke to me again. I reached out a few times and then stopped. Some time in November I began to feel regret that we weren’t talking.  Then I realized, it wasn’t up to me.  I didn’t mind reaching out, but I think everyone eventually gets tired of trying.  I knew that in every possible way, I tried to be better, more understanding and forgiving.  I didn’t see any effort on my dad’s part.  On contrary, he always gave himself an out by saying: “I am the way I am” and by asking me to “let it go.”

I cried my eyes out over this that night.  If I wasn’t happily married, I would’ve felt completely unlovable.  In fact, from time to time my husband reminds me that he will not abandon me because that experience, even though from childhood, still felt ingrained in my mind.  I even did a family constellation session.  I thought, why not give it a shot to try to repair this relationship on a soul level.  My friend, and facilitator told me: your father is there for you on a soul level, but his body doesn’t know how to be.

On New Year’s day he sent me a message with greetings. I responded with a picture of my family. He wrote back that it was beautiful to see us. On my birthday, a few days later, he had a stroke he never woke up from.  I often wonder if my clearing had something to do with his sudden reaching out.  Did he know deep inside that something was going to happen.  Had he not, the last thing I would remember would be the fight with him from my expensive hotel room about him not willing to make time to see us.

Am I at peace?  most of the time. It’s bitter sweet. On one hand, I stood up for myself a year ago in Paris and broke the habit of always setting everything else aside when my dad is available.  I am glad I did that because I didn’t want my marriage to come second to my dad’s crazy expectations of me (that he doesn’t have of himself).  But I am sorry.  I am sorry I got mad and I am sorry that I couldn’t have it just wash off of me and leave no impact.  It’s silly that we get mad at people for being who they are.  My dad was being true to himself and whether or not that was enough for me, I have to accept it.

I could feel guilty but I am not going to.  I am writing this just to share because I often hear people beating themselves up over choices they made in the past.  The things is, the time is always now to make the right choice.  After that, the only choice we have is to make peace with it.  I made peace with mine.  I still and completely love my dad.  And I know he loved me. We had whatever time we had.  May he rest in peace and may my children never feel I am hard to get through to in any way.  This is not the end of grief, however, for me.  It’s merely a beginning ❤