I am not exaggerating when I say that I suffered from FOMO (fear of missing out) my whole entire life. I was a single child and although my father had more children after me, neither him nor them were in my life, so I was pretty much on my own. Everyone around me had siblings, it seemed. Most people also lived surrounded by other kids, in buildings with neighbors, in communities where everyone played together.
I was a busy child, between music school, elementary school, language courses and numerous school activities, from choir, drama, basketball, math team, I really didn’t have so many consistent friends. This is why to this day, people that I went to school with are some of the most intimate relationships I have. I wasn’t lonely, by all means, but I tried so hard to be everywhere and be everything for everyone. I tried so hard to please.
Looking back, reflecting, I have compassion for that little girl that wanted so badly to “belong” to be a part of something bigger. I understand the yearning even now as I am approaching 40. Yet, I think that yearning had me look for the outside sources for my own personal happiness and that’s, ultimately, what needed to be rewired.
I must say that motherhood kicked my ass. Even when I had my first son, Adrian, I was beginning to see that I don’t have the freedom I once had. We moved from Montreal to Florida and then back to New York City and I was constantly in search of people and communities to belong to. When I had my second son, Marko, this is where having to stay at home, missing events my friends were going to, and having to say NO became more of a norm rather than the exception. I was hurting inside. It felt like I was going to be forgotten and the more I thought I’d be forgotten, the more I wanted to be visible, to share my life.
In a sense, that is what I am doing now. I am sharing my life on Instagram, which connects to my Facebook. I also recently revived this blog and started posting my videos on my Youtube channel. So yes, all my actions are showing that I want to be out there, that I want to be SEEN, HEARD, KNOWN yet something deep inside shifted: this longing to not miss out on life. I realized, my life is where I am. I created my business, my clients, my husband, my children, my home. What I have is completely a product of what I worked for and instead of having to go out and mingle with people all the time, I am using this time to ground myself in who I am and what my life is about.
This weekend, there was an event where over 2000 women joined to celebrate what it is to be a woman and I was supposed to be a part of it. I got sick and couldn’t let my husband, who also got sick, stay at home alone to take care of the kids. So I cancelled and stayed “behind.” This morning, when my husband took the kids to the park, I turned on some music and processed my sadness and feelings of missing out through my body. I did what those women were doing in a room together (most likely anyway), but I did it at home. It allowed me to accept myself and my life. I truly believe that when we honor who we are and where we are in life, things can actually change. I am not chasing that change anymore, I simply allow it. In a meantime, I am happy exactly as I am.