Missing grandma, understanding loss

Sharing this blog from 6 years ago as I am clearing my draft folder.  I found it just in time for grandma’s birthday next week.  I had a few losses after grandma passed and thought it would push my missing her aside.  It didn’t.  It merely reminded me that her spirit must be with me all the time.  Here is my blog:

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“I cannot sleep.  I keep thinking of grandma and how quickly she passed.  There really was never a right time for her to go, I am sure of it.  Even though I am 34 years old, I seriously never once got friendly with an idea that eventually people we love will die.

I am sure someone will read this blog and think how immature I am on the subject.  It’s probably surprising to so many that I am a queen of creating and manifesting things in life and that I am so deeply shaken by this loss.  And, I am.  I am shocked, shaken, heart broken and forever changed.

We become prisoners of guilt, perhaps, way too fast to really be able to be face to face with a raw feeling underneath.  So long as we feel guilty, we truly don’t take any responsibility for that we are killing ourselves along with the person we just lost.

It took me days to figure out that I wasn’t willing to forgive myself for that I didn’t speak with grandma the day before she passed.  I learned a lesson long ago about how to forgive myself.  It worked then so I asked my husband to go find my note to him when I shared it.  And there it was, simply put: “my actions were completely correlate with the way the world occured to me….(I simply didn’t know that that was the last time I would ever get to speak with grandma, else I would get off my call and spend time with her)…why punish myself for that?”

And I did forgive myself for not knowing.  There truly isn’t anything new I would say to grandma at that time. I kept her really well updated throughout the years and often time it was all “too much information.”  Years ago when she was in New York, I made sure I shared how much I appreciated her and why and she was able to share her love with me.  So, there isn’t anything else I would say, or anything other than “I LOVE YOU” that I could repeat an infinite amount of times. And now that the guilt is gone, I truly am dealing only with a loss.

This isn’t anyone’s fault. This isn’t good or bad.  It just is.  I am facing the reality of life for what it is. I remind myself over and over again to be grateful for what I had.  I remember grandma.  I think of her all the time.  She is even more present now that I know that she is gone because I can see all of her in me.

There isn’t a better advice in life than the one we learn because someone did it not told it.  Grandma had grace that I only hope to achieve in my life time.  She was nice to people.  She got along well.  I cannot say that I am the same, but in honor of her, I want to be.

I am so lucky to have a wonderful husband who is my shining star in good and in bad.  I know grandma wanted me to have this kind of love in my life. She knows I believed it was possible and she, for sure, was helping me make it happen by believing in me every step of the way.  She never took off her wedding band, even 30 years after grandpa was gone. She loved, so much, so forgivingly.  Ah… There is nobody like her, and nothing can replace her.  I am blessed to have shared my lifetime with her.”

I love you grandma!!!!

 

Forgiveness

Ever done anything you are not really proud of?  I have… and I have done it over and over again.  While I think of myself as fairly smart and capable woman, there are things that seem simply beyond my control.  And this makes me feel so fake, so ridiculously inauthentic. I spend days coaching people on how to accomplish their wildest dreams and then at night, I fail at the simple act of kindness with my closest ones.

Sure I’ve done ton of work, personal development, self reflection, self analysis, digging into the past, manifesting the future, etc.  And although I think there were times when things were improved a bit, it’s like I take one step forward and then 2 steps back…

I have asked myself many times WHY? naturally, I have more than million justifications for why I am right and why my lack of being great is completely due to feeling criticized and mistreated or simply made feel stupid…Ah the victim I am….I am sure all of this is sounding like a bluh, bluh, bluh,….so…I won’t waste your time in writing this.

What do I do?  I thought about it all night last night and all day today. I didn’t come up with a way to fix it.  So, I decided, I will pray… I will send this over to higher powers (and besides God, these are people I love and have lost who are my angels above) and ask for their guidance.  I am taking it one step at the time, breathing in and trusting my angels.  And tonight I took my first step…FORGIVING myself for the things I have done that I am not proud of, for wrongdoing and hurting others intentionally or unintentionally, humbled by being a human at fault.

Sending you all good vibes!