Missing grandma, understanding loss

Sharing this blog from 6 years ago as I am clearing my draft folder.  I found it just in time for grandma’s birthday next week.  I had a few losses after grandma passed and thought it would push my missing her aside.  It didn’t.  It merely reminded me that her spirit must be with me all the time.  Here is my blog:

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“I cannot sleep.  I keep thinking of grandma and how quickly she passed.  There really was never a right time for her to go, I am sure of it.  Even though I am 34 years old, I seriously never once got friendly with an idea that eventually people we love will die.

I am sure someone will read this blog and think how immature I am on the subject.  It’s probably surprising to so many that I am a queen of creating and manifesting things in life and that I am so deeply shaken by this loss.  And, I am.  I am shocked, shaken, heart broken and forever changed.

We become prisoners of guilt, perhaps, way too fast to really be able to be face to face with a raw feeling underneath.  So long as we feel guilty, we truly don’t take any responsibility for that we are killing ourselves along with the person we just lost.

It took me days to figure out that I wasn’t willing to forgive myself for that I didn’t speak with grandma the day before she passed.  I learned a lesson long ago about how to forgive myself.  It worked then so I asked my husband to go find my note to him when I shared it.  And there it was, simply put: “my actions were completely correlate with the way the world occured to me….(I simply didn’t know that that was the last time I would ever get to speak with grandma, else I would get off my call and spend time with her)…why punish myself for that?”

And I did forgive myself for not knowing.  There truly isn’t anything new I would say to grandma at that time. I kept her really well updated throughout the years and often time it was all “too much information.”  Years ago when she was in New York, I made sure I shared how much I appreciated her and why and she was able to share her love with me.  So, there isn’t anything else I would say, or anything other than “I LOVE YOU” that I could repeat an infinite amount of times. And now that the guilt is gone, I truly am dealing only with a loss.

This isn’t anyone’s fault. This isn’t good or bad.  It just is.  I am facing the reality of life for what it is. I remind myself over and over again to be grateful for what I had.  I remember grandma.  I think of her all the time.  She is even more present now that I know that she is gone because I can see all of her in me.

There isn’t a better advice in life than the one we learn because someone did it not told it.  Grandma had grace that I only hope to achieve in my life time.  She was nice to people.  She got along well.  I cannot say that I am the same, but in honor of her, I want to be.

I am so lucky to have a wonderful husband who is my shining star in good and in bad.  I know grandma wanted me to have this kind of love in my life. She knows I believed it was possible and she, for sure, was helping me make it happen by believing in me every step of the way.  She never took off her wedding band, even 30 years after grandpa was gone. She loved, so much, so forgivingly.  Ah… There is nobody like her, and nothing can replace her.  I am blessed to have shared my lifetime with her.”

I love you grandma!!!!

 

Remembering….

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My grandma would be 78 this month.  She left this earth last year in July.  This was, by far, the biggest loss I have ever experienced in my entire life.  And sure, over time, I accepted the fact and stopped consistently crying at the injustice that she would be gone so early, but it’s been such a missing for me in the past couple of months.  

I have been dreaming of her every night since before my move to Florida.  I’d enjoy the ride through the Sunshine with my husband and I would look at the sky and just so completely miss her.  Perhaps that is the reason that she has been living in my dreams.  I guess, since I got pregnant, I sleep more and I have more dreams than usual.  And for the past few weeks I have consistently dreamed of grandma being alive and with me, assuring me that she will keep on living while I am haunted by my fear that she would die.

I wonder if there was anything left unsaid.  I simply can’t see it.  She knew everything there was there to know for as long as she was with us.  I was hoping to see her one more time but I waited too long for her to be able to wait for me.  

I don’t have an advice in this blog.  I simply wanted to offer compassion to all of you who are dealing with a loss and let you know that I understand.  There is no day that went by that I didn’t acknowledge that I miss my grandma… I am grateful that she’s been with me for over 30 years and that I got a chance to get to know her better than my cousins.  I find that to be a blessing.  And I still miss her and hope she can hear me when I talk to her at night and that she can read the letters that I keep on writing to her.  

I love you grandma…. I hope your spirit hears me and knows how much you are loved 🙂