Being A Mom

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I only vaguely sensed that being a mom must be magical and expansive but I never knew how much it would impact my life, how deeply I would feel my love, how strongly I could stand, how much I could endure and how unwilling I would be to hide and pretend I am anything other than a human being trying to do her best.  I learned to surrender, to take it easy, to put myself first, as in put oxygen mask on my mouth before I offer it to others.  I slowed down and became more effective.  I added a level of compassion I didn’t have.  I started thinking for more people not just myself, consequently, I have expanded the way I see things and the ways in which I manage my life.

I often complain that people don’t share the truth about motherhood.  I don’t think we are fully honest about the effort that this role requires (and I don’t mean complain, but be real about it) as well as not fully bragging on the world that this role also makes possible, the love that is there, the joy we could feel and how small things in life often become the essence of our days.

It took me a while to approve of different ways of parenting but I definitely appreciate that people have their view and do their best.  The thing is, when you know what it takes, you don’t judge as easily or as harshly.  Again, I make comments and sometimes have a passing thought but I don’t hang on to it or relate to like: “this is the truth”. I also lightly roll my eyes at people who give me advice but really have no clue about the world I am in. I do appreciate the effort though, I’ve been there myself.

At the same time, I have been screwing up way more often, feeling cornered against things in life that are seemingly unresolvable, needed on too many sides, torn in too many places, longing for some time to myself to just hear myself think without trying to please everyone around me who has a loud expectation.

All this said, the journey of mothering my first born and then almost 3 years laters his brother has been the biggest role I played.  I used to cringe when people said that in the past because I always made it mean they had nothing else important to do (as if raising future generations of humans isn’t important at all).  I try to beat that value with other things  I do but the kiddos are still small and they still need me in a way that I don’t want to say NO to.  At the end, it is always a choice not to leave them for long periods of time, not to have them raised by babysitters and friends but putting them to bed at night on my own or having my husband do it instead.

My sons are an absolute joy most of the time.  They remind me how carefree childhood is for those of us who had our basic needs met and then some.  They wake up my creative side, they soften me to love, they let me be more accepting and kinder with myself and others while holding healthy boundaries. I am moved and beyond grateful I was given the opportunity to be a mother in this life time.  They will also never know all that it takes to be their mom and what these past 5 years were like and they don’t have to know until they live their life and learned their lessons.  My efforts are not theirs to carry because if I can do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing.

Happy 5ht birthday to my beautiful Adrian and anniversary of birth to me!!!

 

 

Thinking of life…

I am feeling mixed emotions lately. Sure, you can blame it on the pregnancy but it’s not all hormones, I can guarantee you.  In fact, I’d like to address how some people are in regards to women when they are pregnant and their mood swings (and perhaps not only when they are pregnant).  I want to share that knowing that there is a human being within my body is the most miraculous experience I could imagine having.  Yesterday was exactly 20 weeks that I am expecting – the middle of the pregnancy and in the past days both my husband and I have experienced some most gratifying baby kicking.  I have accomplished much in my life and I can tell you, very little compares to the miracle of life we are able to give.

Something that I could not so clearly see before, as someone with ‘out of this world’ ambition to succeed and be the best in everything, is that the simple joys of life are, at the end of the day, what fulfills us the most.  And, you’d never hear me say to give up competition, playing big and achieving enormous heights.  I won’t say that as I don’t believe we should have to choose between that life and the life of a wife and a mother.  However, there is something about being a wife and a mother that is so deeply fulfilling that I can never again imagine the life without it.  So, you guessed it right: it’s about having it all.

But to address what I promised to address:  I noticed, and somewhat from my own experience, that most people are not really aware of what it’s like to be expecting a baby.  I don’t think anyone who isn’t a mother, truly gets the ups and downs and everything in between as well as the pure miracle of what is actually happening within our bodies, how much the hormones change and how much development there is within a day and even an hour sometimes.  It takes something to be the vehicle for all of that, to be able to be and create life and have something within you be so unbelievably powerful in taking all your energy, nutrients and alike.  So, I request, give women a break! And not because we can’t handle life, nor because we are weak or unable to handle ourselves.  Give us a break because you ought to stand mesmerized in the face of what we are creating and you should not let us have to create it alone.

I am a blessed soul to have a husband and partner in life who is understanding and committed to understanding.  He is way ahead of me reading about all that my body is going through such that he can support me in the process.  Without him, there would be no baby and without him, I can’t imagine what it would take to do this.  So I ask the men out there to support their ladies and to honor the miracle of life.  It is truly a miracle and while I used to think that some people just gave up on their life goals and decided to have many babies (and I do believe there is some of that), I take back my judgement that having a child is easy.

Lastly, my message to people is: be great!!!! At the end of the day, if you just allow people to be just the way they are, you may easily hear some of what I am pointing to.  It will help reduce our judgments and allow us to see that we are all one, extremely connected, and extremely vulnerable.